The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
