i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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