I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
