Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
