Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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