Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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