I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
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