i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
whose parrot is this?
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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