I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
