WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
