She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize