if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
