I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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