I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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