my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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