So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
