i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
