whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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