did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
