I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
