You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
That accounts for only three of the penises
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
