I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I looked at my own cervix.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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