I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize