He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
