I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
You're earring is so big in my mouth
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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