she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
She needs sedatives and a leash
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
