Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
