The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
