Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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