I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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