four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
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