You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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