Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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