two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
