I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
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