Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
