after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
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