Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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