I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
