I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Randomize
