I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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