i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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