dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
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