The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
