Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
