im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Randomize
