So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
