I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
