I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
