Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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