i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
