Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
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