At least make sure they are 18
Why
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Randomize
