Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize