I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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