Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Randomize
