yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
