i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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