you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize
