im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Randomize
