if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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