Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
