literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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