I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Is Oprah even human
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
