dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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